sTeVeN_kAlAn_RaCcA's Xanga

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 09:12:00 GMT

Dearest brother,

Lately, I've been pondering the elements surrounding my life and why I view it the way I do. I've come to realize it's time for me to stop thinking I've lead such a tragic life. I'm through with this pity-me complex.

My life is what I make of it. If I feel I've met misery at every turn, then what's to stop me from acting as though the future isn't worth it?

It is.

I'm not a child anymore, Kalan. I can't keep letting people catch me at every stumble, aid me through every crisis. I need to learn to pick myself up and stride on. Some of the best lessons are learned through personal sacrifice and self-sufficiency.

I know this and I struggle with it. Perhaps I'm used to having a strong foundation of support beneath me. Is that why I am scared to leave the nest?

I'm nineteen years old and I will not act the child so people can treat me like one.
Despite what dad thinks and expects of me, I will rise and I will survive.
I'm a young woman.

It's time to take hold of my future.

Wish me luck,
Me

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 04:10:49 GMT

Dearest Kalan,

I almost joined you up there, buddy. There's nothing like a near-death experience to shock you into living...or out of it. I've never been so blindingly terrified in my entire life. When I lost control of the truck, I thought of nothing. Only trying my damnedest to get it back in my control. I was so scared, I felt the panic surge through my chest yet I didn't have any time to process the fear. I only thought of gaining back control...and I didn't, I just couldn't.
My life was not in my hands.

The truck kept swerving...left, right, right, left...back and forth. Until finally, it swerved sharply towards the right, searing through two lanes. Oh God, was I terrified. And then that UD carrier materialized out of nowhere. And I was heading straight for it.
This is it, I thought, I'm dead.

I didn't think of those I loved dear, there were no flashbacks of family or friends, nor were there warm memories to comfort my "final" moments. There was only terror, panic, and that final realization: This is it. This is it.

And then we collided.

And all was still. For those next few moments, I could only look wide-eyed at the steering wheel. Was I waiting for some other impact? This couldn't be it. There had to be more.

Kalan, Kalan, I'm in shock still. I am in one piece, safe from any harm. There could have been so many elements against me and there was none. None! Think of how many cars I could have hit, how I could have flipped over, or been threwn from my seat. Yet I was completely from harm, in the middle of Rush Hour on a busy freeway.

My God...I could have died. I could have sworn I was. I always thought I was going to die before I was twenty, in a car accident, no less. That is why I was always terrified of driving, why I put it off for so long. And look how I barely escaped death's grasp.

Or how it mercifully pulled away.

Kalan, I'm alive. I'm so scared but I'm alive...
Kalan, Kalan, Kalan...Was this how it was for you?
No, only much worse.

Love,
Your youngest sister

Friday, July 20, 2007

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 07:05:46 GMT

Dear Kalan,

I really don't understand what's going on right now. A part of my heart wants to tear away from them while another beckons me to stay. They say there are two halfs within every whole yet why is it I don't feel whole? Why is it that I write to you when I'm feeling down, depressed, or hopeless? I guess the thought that some way, somehow you can read this and understand fills me with comfort. Writing to you is my solace.

Oh Kalan, I miss you. I want to have a big brother again and feel protected as I had when I was younger. I want you to come up the stairs of our old house, with us still there, to peek into your room and watch you play videogames, to steal some of your stored snacks, to hug you and feel safe, to have your nearby, to see you and laugh at you. Are you really gone? Would the world be so cruel to spirit you away from us? Ha, what a question.

I think about you often, Kalan. Perhaps more often than I should knowing that we weren't so close. I never truly existed until you left. I sound crazy, I know. But despite trying to show you of how much of a young lady I've grown into, everytime I write to you and speak to you through my thoughts, I become a little girl again.

I've changed so much, Kalan. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself and my actions. I keep looking back when I know I should be looking to what is in front of me. Have I really changed at all? The past is so much of what I am, I don't think I can ever move on. I wonder about how life would be with you still here, what you would think of what is going on now, if life would have even been like this at all if you didn't go away. Of course it wouldn't...yet I still think of these things.

One day I think I've become a better person, someone kind, considerate, and loving. On other days, however, I'm selfish, immature, and crude. Is this who I am, who I'm meant to be? I don't know who I am at all, Kalan. Was this how you were? I only knew your shallow surface, I'm not going to claim any different. Yet, I cannot nor will I ever forget you Kalan. It is true, it has become easier to think of you and not hurt or be sad. But I love you, I know I do. How else can I not ever forget you, even for a day?

Maybe these are shackles that are grounding me to my past. Maybe not. I just wish you were here. I wish for so many things, Kalan. I wish and I wish and they mostly never come true. Oh visit me please, show me that you listen, that you're here, even if you aren't really. I believe in an Other Side, a better side. Call it heaven or paradise, it just has to be.

This isn't what I wanted to say at all. I just haven't written to you in so long and emotions have been building up. Maybe I do sound crazy or depressed but I know I am not. I'm only missing you, that is it. Who cares what the world thinks, let them think what they want.

These few moments, this short while, this is all I have of you. This is all I will ever have. So let them think, let them judge. I still love you despite it all, despite them.

Kalan, what would I ever do without you?

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 06:06:43 GMT

Dearest brother,

I must have brought you great shame to say such things. It's just, I feel that you are my only confidante. When I think of you, I somehow feel such sweet comfort. It really seems as though you are in the clouds, for the softness of their image transcends into your being. You are my Angel.

Kalan, I've been having foreboding fears. I'm so afraid. I do not know whether I am being silly or..or something terrible is to happen. Is there something ominous over the next horizon? I couldn't bear another tragedy!
I seek peace to lay these fears to rest, some form of comfort to tell me that everything will be okay. Nights pass when I panic over the possibility of losing them, of losing life. I'm not crazy, I'm just so afraid..fearful of God's will.

Thoughts haunt me, they turn each corner and inquire: Is it me? Is it them? Is it now? I shouldn't be so ridiculous, I know. But I've become some neurotic coward. I love you..but please, let no one take them away. Let everything be alright, as fine as it can be with all that has happened.

Are we the fools, dear brother? The simple toys of God who play no part?
Send me faith, loan me strength.

And know always, that I love you.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 08:39:14 GMT

Dearest Kalan,

I keep pressing myself to go on, willing myself to live each day through but it's become so difficult as of late. I find myself distilling the hollow ripples of my life through excessive sleep. Some days I lay in bed unable to move or wake. I find the temptation of dreams and fantasies more worthwhile than the emptiness that awaits in reality. It seems wrong to live this way, almost as though we were meant to live for so much more. But I haven't. I live for the sake of our family, not for the sake of my sanity.
How trivial this must sound. But I have no one else to turn to. No one that would listen and understand, or...even try to understand. My voice tries to speak but is not heard. Dad wouldn't listen, Mom wouldn't understand, Christina would just sneer, and Mary would pity. So I keep quiet, laying laziness to blame for my excessive sleeping. When really, my will to go on has expired into a dying flame.
...I'll never let go, Kalan. No matter how miserable or how hollow life gets. I'll live for you and for our family. If not for my happiness, then for the sake of theirs.

Love you always.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 08:32:31 GMT

Dearest Kalan,

It's been forever. I remember in the beginning I couldn't live one day without some tear cascading down my cheek but by and by wounds do begin to heal. I know you're always around us Kalan, always. I used to question whether I was a good sister so many times because I felt that underneath I wasn't. I try to make up for my lack of attention from you in Christina and Mary. Although I don't think they appreciate it so much, haha. You really don't truly appreciate something until it's gone. It's so cliche' but utterly true.

Lately, you've been on my mind quite often. I was thinking about my dreams when you would come and talk to me for a few precious moments. You told me you loved me very much and that you had read the letter that I wrote to you and had displayed for you to read. I'm not sure if I ever told you but I really want you to visit me in my dreams and especially at our new house. Please don't think that us leaving the house was us leaving you. I don't ever want to leave you. And I'm completely positive that no one else wants you to either. Oh and by leave I mean, to not ever come to us but don't mind staying in your paradise, okay? I'd hate to have you leave something as heavenly to see our mess of a life all the time, haha. In my dreams, is the only time I can feel that I'm holding you again. It seems as though it's been eons. Three years...already coming. I still remember the chill of the first year. The swish of the second and now the realization of the third? I sure do miss you. I really wanted to seee you as a geezer and to have known you as an adult, not a bratty baby sister. I keep coming back to that bad little sister complex but I can't help it. You were taken away too soon. Life is cruel.

But I want you to know that I think of you a million gazillion times more than I do write here for you. Everyday, there is not a moment gone that somehow you're not etched into my every day life. I only have childish memories of us, of you but they keep me loving you. I hope you don't think of it as a bother to ask you to visit me in my dreams or show me in some sign that you're near, whether it be a flickering light or distant whisper in the wind, so I know to always love you. Even though conversation of you is seldom at home, we all miss you so painfully much and love you utterly to pieces.

Always loving you,

Dorie

P.S. Give a little nod for the birth of your first niece, Mary's growing impatient, haha.

I love you Kalan.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 00:37:15 GMT

Dearest Kalan,

It's been so long, I can't quite comprehend how time does pass. I feel like I'm losing heart without you in my thoughts...I love you . One day when we all meet again, I can hold you and I will know that we will be whole again. Life doesn't seem whole as of late, has it ever been? Yes, these are bad thoughts trying to invade.

How did you live|? When I see you again, I'll ask you that.

Eternally,

Dorie

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 02:01:07 GMT

Hey Kalan. These past 2 months have been painful. I don't know what's happening to our family...what is our family? Do we even love one another? Sure...but do we care? I love them alot even though...I made sacrifices, mistakes, and regrets. Alot actually. But I try to make something of us, look for the love you know? Maybe if I keep working at it, however way I'm doing it, there's a chance something good will come...strike gold in the dark, dank mines. I must be in a coal mine because all I'm coming up with is pain and heartache..does it even matter anymore? What's the point of holding onto something that is inevitable to die? But I can't give up. I have hope for us all..I hope you can help us because we sure need you so much right now. Happy belated birthday Kalan. I still and always will love you so much.

Love you eternally,
Dorie

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 19:05:43 GMT

Hey Kalan..I didn't realize time passed by so quickly..four months since my last post? I'm becoming a bad sister, *sigh* Or wasn't I always..I don't know. Well, let's not make this a pity me post, hahah. You listened to me about my last post, I'm so happy you remembered . It was a nice dream ^^. I love you too..I don't know why we had to hide in the closet, that was odd, haha. But you said you loved me very much and you knew...do you? Or was this just another one of my wants lived out through my dreams..Do I really want you to know? I don't want you to be ashamed *sigh* I can do that all on my own. You said you didn't have much time and you had to go soon, it was a brief but sweet meeting . You know, I don't want to acknowledge that you're gone..sometimes I repress the thoughts of you not coming back but everytime I'm taken by surprise by something that reminds me of you..the tears just come out. I'm glad that I can't forget you, I don't want to. I was sitting behind Christina yesterday and I leaned over her shoulder, she was wearing your shirt. It smelled just like you like you never left ..she's starting to remind me of you, it's absurd. Since Christina lost all that weight she "sort of" has your build, don't want to say too much *cough*. I like to hug her sometimes and think that for a little bit she's you..I'm sure she's done that to me a million times. I could never replace you with her..you guys were really close. It must feel nice to mean more than the world to someone. You know, granted you give me some luck , I could maybe be like that..to someone one day. Anywho, I'm starting to rant and no one likes that, heh, so just don't forget that I still very much love you..and for sure always will because...Family is forever! To me anywayz..

Love always,
Dorie -mwah~!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 05:04:19 GMT

Sorry I haven't written to you in awhile! I don't want it to seem as though you aren't loved because that is NOT true. I love you very much..makes me wonder what would have been, *sigh* Well, about Micky D's, eh, i dont know anymore, you know? I mean, do i really need to work. This is the last pieces of my childhood we are talking bout. I know i still havent matured much these days so i'd like to keep at my steady pace. Hmm..days are different. But I could never forget you, I love you, sorry if this is a short post but heh, i'm a lil sleepy.

memories...xoxo

dorie

argh, couldn't have it passed without saying something more...I LOVE YOU ALWAYS STEVEN KALAN RACCA! You are greatly missed within our hearts.nite brother..man i just can't let you go tonight, keep comin back and writing some more..i just dont want to lose the memories i have of you. Okay dad is telling me to go to bed, argh, 16 and i have a frickin bed time, hehe. Visit my dreams once in awhile, i get bored dreamin of the freaky crayon people, har har har.

Love you always,

dink, or commonly known as dorie ;)