Dear Kalan,

I really don't understand what's going on right now. A part of my heart wants to tear away from them while another beckons me to stay. They say there are two halfs within every whole yet why is it I don't feel whole? Why is it that I write to you when I'm feeling down, depressed, or hopeless? I guess the thought that some way, somehow you can read this and understand fills me with comfort. Writing to you is my solace.

Oh Kalan, I miss you. I want to have a big brother again and feel protected as I had when I was younger. I want you to come up the stairs of our old house, with us still there, to peek into your room and watch you play videogames, to steal some of your stored snacks, to hug you and feel safe, to have your nearby, to see you and laugh at you. Are you really gone? Would the world be so cruel to spirit you away from us? Ha, what a question.

I think about you often, Kalan. Perhaps more often than I should knowing that we weren't so close. I never truly existed until you left. I sound crazy, I know. But despite trying to show you of how much of a young lady I've grown into, everytime I write to you and speak to you through my thoughts, I become a little girl again.

I've changed so much, Kalan. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself and my actions. I keep looking back when I know I should be looking to what is in front of me. Have I really changed at all? The past is so much of what I am, I don't think I can ever move on. I wonder about how life would be with you still here, what you would think of what is going on now, if life would have even been like this at all if you didn't go away. Of course it wouldn't...yet I still think of these things.

One day I think I've become a better person, someone kind, considerate, and loving. On other days, however, I'm selfish, immature, and crude. Is this who I am, who I'm meant to be? I don't know who I am at all, Kalan. Was this how you were? I only knew your shallow surface, I'm not going to claim any different. Yet, I cannot nor will I ever forget you Kalan. It is true, it has become easier to think of you and not hurt or be sad. But I love you, I know I do. How else can I not ever forget you, even for a day?

Maybe these are shackles that are grounding me to my past. Maybe not. I just wish you were here. I wish for so many things, Kalan. I wish and I wish and they mostly never come true. Oh visit me please, show me that you listen, that you're here, even if you aren't really. I believe in an Other Side, a better side. Call it heaven or paradise, it just has to be.

This isn't what I wanted to say at all. I just haven't written to you in so long and emotions have been building up. Maybe I do sound crazy or depressed but I know I am not. I'm only missing you, that is it. Who cares what the world thinks, let them think what they want.

These few moments, this short while, this is all I have of you. This is all I will ever have. So let them think, let them judge. I still love you despite it all, despite them.

Kalan, what would I ever do without you?