Dearest brother,

Lately, I've been pondering the elements surrounding my life and why I view it the way I do. I've come to realize it's time for me to stop thinking I've lead such a tragic life. I'm through with this pity-me complex.

My life is what I make of it. If I feel I've met misery at every turn, then what's to stop me from acting as though the future isn't worth it?

It is.

I'm not a child anymore, Kalan. I can't keep letting people catch me at every stumble, aid me through every crisis. I need to learn to pick myself up and stride on. Some of the best lessons are learned through personal sacrifice and self-sufficiency.

I know this and I struggle with it. Perhaps I'm used to having a strong foundation of support beneath me. Is that why I am scared to leave the nest?

I'm nineteen years old and I will not act the child so people can treat me like one.
Despite what dad thinks and expects of me, I will rise and I will survive.
I'm a young woman.

It's time to take hold of my future.

Wish me luck,
Me

Dearest Kalan,

I almost joined you up there, buddy. There's nothing like a near-death experience to shock you into living...or out of it. I've never been so blindingly terrified in my entire life. When I lost control of the truck, I thought of nothing. Only trying my damnedest to get it back in my control. I was so scared, I felt the panic surge through my chest yet I didn't have any time to process the fear. I only thought of gaining back control...and I didn't, I just couldn't.
My life was not in my hands.

The truck kept swerving...left, right, right, left...back and forth. Until finally, it swerved sharply towards the right, searing through two lanes. Oh God, was I terrified. And then that UD carrier materialized out of nowhere. And I was heading straight for it.
This is it, I thought, I'm dead.

I didn't think of those I loved dear, there were no flashbacks of family or friends, nor were there warm memories to comfort my "final" moments. There was only terror, panic, and that final realization: This is it. This is it.

And then we collided.

And all was still. For those next few moments, I could only look wide-eyed at the steering wheel. Was I waiting for some other impact? This couldn't be it. There had to be more.

Kalan, Kalan, I'm in shock still. I am in one piece, safe from any harm. There could have been so many elements against me and there was none. None! Think of how many cars I could have hit, how I could have flipped over, or been threwn from my seat. Yet I was completely from harm, in the middle of Rush Hour on a busy freeway.

My God...I could have died. I could have sworn I was. I always thought I was going to die before I was twenty, in a car accident, no less. That is why I was always terrified of driving, why I put it off for so long. And look how I barely escaped death's grasp.

Or how it mercifully pulled away.

Kalan, I'm alive. I'm so scared but I'm alive...
Kalan, Kalan, Kalan...Was this how it was for you?
No, only much worse.

Love,
Your youngest sister

Dear Kalan,

I really don't understand what's going on right now. A part of my heart wants to tear away from them while another beckons me to stay. They say there are two halfs within every whole yet why is it I don't feel whole? Why is it that I write to you when I'm feeling down, depressed, or hopeless? I guess the thought that some way, somehow you can read this and understand fills me with comfort. Writing to you is my solace.

Oh Kalan, I miss you. I want to have a big brother again and feel protected as I had when I was younger. I want you to come up the stairs of our old house, with us still there, to peek into your room and watch you play videogames, to steal some of your stored snacks, to hug you and feel safe, to have your nearby, to see you and laugh at you. Are you really gone? Would the world be so cruel to spirit you away from us? Ha, what a question.

I think about you often, Kalan. Perhaps more often than I should knowing that we weren't so close. I never truly existed until you left. I sound crazy, I know. But despite trying to show you of how much of a young lady I've grown into, everytime I write to you and speak to you through my thoughts, I become a little girl again.

I've changed so much, Kalan. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself and my actions. I keep looking back when I know I should be looking to what is in front of me. Have I really changed at all? The past is so much of what I am, I don't think I can ever move on. I wonder about how life would be with you still here, what you would think of what is going on now, if life would have even been like this at all if you didn't go away. Of course it wouldn't...yet I still think of these things.

One day I think I've become a better person, someone kind, considerate, and loving. On other days, however, I'm selfish, immature, and crude. Is this who I am, who I'm meant to be? I don't know who I am at all, Kalan. Was this how you were? I only knew your shallow surface, I'm not going to claim any different. Yet, I cannot nor will I ever forget you Kalan. It is true, it has become easier to think of you and not hurt or be sad. But I love you, I know I do. How else can I not ever forget you, even for a day?

Maybe these are shackles that are grounding me to my past. Maybe not. I just wish you were here. I wish for so many things, Kalan. I wish and I wish and they mostly never come true. Oh visit me please, show me that you listen, that you're here, even if you aren't really. I believe in an Other Side, a better side. Call it heaven or paradise, it just has to be.

This isn't what I wanted to say at all. I just haven't written to you in so long and emotions have been building up. Maybe I do sound crazy or depressed but I know I am not. I'm only missing you, that is it. Who cares what the world thinks, let them think what they want.

These few moments, this short while, this is all I have of you. This is all I will ever have. So let them think, let them judge. I still love you despite it all, despite them.

Kalan, what would I ever do without you?

Dearest brother,

I must have brought you great shame to say such things. It's just, I feel that you are my only confidante. When I think of you, I somehow feel such sweet comfort. It really seems as though you are in the clouds, for the softness of their image transcends into your being. You are my Angel.

Kalan, I've been having foreboding fears. I'm so afraid. I do not know whether I am being silly or..or something terrible is to happen. Is there something ominous over the next horizon? I couldn't bear another tragedy!
 I seek peace to lay these fears to rest, some form of comfort to tell me that everything will be okay. Nights pass when I panic over the possibility of losing them, of losing life. I'm not crazy, I'm just so afraid..fearful of God's will.

Thoughts haunt me, they turn each corner and inquire: Is it me? Is it them? Is it now? I shouldn't be so ridiculous, I know. But I've become some neurotic coward. I love you..but please, let no one take them away. Let everything be alright, as fine as it can be with all that has happened.

Are we the fools, dear brother? The simple toys of God who play no part?
Send me faith, loan me strength.

And know always, that I love you.

Dearest Kalan,

I keep pressing myself to go on, willing myself to live each day through but it's become so difficult as of late. I find myself distilling the hollow ripples of my life through excessive sleep. Some days I lay in bed unable to move or wake. I find the temptation of dreams and fantasies more worthwhile than the emptiness that awaits in reality. It seems wrong to live this way, almost as though we were meant to live for so much more. But I haven't. I live for the sake of our family, not for the sake of my sanity.
How trivial this must sound. But I have no one else to turn to. No one that would listen and understand, or...even try to understand. My voice tries to speak but is not heard. Dad wouldn't listen, Mom wouldn't understand, Christina would just sneer, and Mary would pity. So I keep quiet, laying laziness to blame for my excessive sleeping. When really, my will to go on has expired into a dying flame.
...I'll never let go, Kalan. No matter how miserable or how hollow life gets. I'll live for you and for our family. If not for my happiness, then for the sake of theirs.

Love you always.